Starving.

My whole life I've been  about 113lbs. I've never worn a medium, let alone a large ... and then I got pregnant. This is my story of being skinny, getting fat and trying to fight the urge to give into an eating disorder while I was trying to get back to the old me.

I gained 71 pounds during my pregnancy. I got stretch marks on my stomach, my butt, my boobs, my things .. even my legs. And I promise you, I ate like a fitness-crazed vegan. No soda, no fried food, nothing raw, nothing with sugar, nothing greasy, nothing artificial ... the works. I walked my dogs 3 times a day, and toward the end of my pregnancy I started walking 2 miles a day on top of that. In saying that, I hope you can understand how hard it was for me to accept getting fat. (And please don't say "well, you were pregnant" that doesn't mean squat to me.)

After the birth of my son, I figured since I was naturally skinny, the weight would just fall right off of me. It didn't. It's 8 months after the fact and I still have about 13 pounds left to lose. It's literally painful for me to look at myself in the mirror these days. I look at the little gut I still have and the stretch marks (that have thankfully almost completely faded away) and want to puke. I want to do anything to get this weight off. I hardly eat anymore. I hate saying this out loud, but it's the truth. I'll maybe eat a granola bar and drink some Orange Juice and that's it. It's awful. I'm ashamed of myself for letting it get to this, but I almost can't help it. Almost.

Thankfully I have the worlds most amazing boyfriend. He noticed that I hadn't been going through as many groceries as I used to and he asked me what was going on. I told him in the most normal way a person could speak, that, "I don't really eat anymore". True to form, he acted like it wasn't something that needed to be fixed, just something he was going to make happen. We went to the store and he picked me out a bunch of healthy snacks. "Start small" he said. "You need to get your metabolism back. Eat little snacks often throughout the day. Don't worry about the weight. I'll watch Troy so you can start going to the gym too" (RJ spends about 2 hours a day at the gym ... EVERY day.)

It's been going on for so long now, that I've learned to block out the feeling of being hungry. I forget to eat. I actually forget that I'm hungry. Sometimes I'll be eating and all of the sudden whatever I'm eating will make me nauseous. No matter what it is, or how much I like it. And I'll stop eating it because I cannot physically make myself eat it without throwing up. It's like my mind tells my body that if I keep going, I'll stay fat forever. I feel like a prisoner in my own body. Even with help, this is the hardest thing I've ever done.

I used to think that girls with eating disorders were stupid. That they had no excuse. I thought it was the most retarded disease I'd ever heard of ... until I became Anorexic. This is just the beginning for me. It's hard to look at food the same, but I'm trying. I'm really trying to beat this. I posted this because I feel like eating disorders aren't taken seriously enough and I want to change that.



Winchester Bibeau, Feline Extraordinaire (Minus Acrobatics)

In my world, animals are just as important as people, and I'm one of the biggest suckers around for stray animals/animals I think need my tender loving care. In saying that, it should not be suprising for you to know that we have 3 cats and two dogs (and hopefully someday a chinchilla, a nice fish tank, another dog-possibly a doberman ... and ... who knows!) Anyways we live in an apartment - second floor to be exact and in the winter we open the patio door to lower the electric bill, which allows the animals to roam freely. The cats always jump up on the stucco wall and look out upon the world, which I think is cute the way they look (Aristocats ... ADORABLE) BUT it also scares me because they're my four legged babies and I worry they won't realize that they can't jump down without seriously injuring themselves. lol.

That's where Winchester (the fatest of my cats, and by far the laziest)  comes in. He is always pushing the limits; limits to the amount of food he can ingest really. So the other night, I was brushing my teeth, getting ready for bed and RJ (my boyfriend) comes running in the bathroom yelling "OMG come look at Winnie!" So I run out there thinking he's going to be doing something stupid that I've seen a million times, but RJ hasn't because he works a lot when I look out onto the patio ... and Winchester isn't there. HE WAS OVER THE RAILING ON THE ROOF TO THE FIRST FLOOR!! First I was worried, so I got his food bowl and shook it to encourage him to come back up (works everytime, he never says no to food.) and he couldn't get back up!! Then I REALLY start to panic, thankfully RJ said he could go downstairs and climb up the brick wall and get him down.

Long story short, I had a panic attack. My poor Winchester was in a sticky situation, meowing to me in despiration and I couldn't do anything about it.

Worst. Feeling. Ever.

Halloween 2010 - Do People Not Celebrate Anymore?

This was my son's first Halloween, and being the festive person I am, I have been REALLY looking forward to dressing him up and pushing him around in his stroller trying to get as much candy as I possible can.

P.S. I feell like I must tell you that I am a huge candy freak, so Halloween is one of my all time favorite holidays. Having a baby to take candy from this year has been something I've really been looking forward to.

Anyways, so we start trick-or-treating, and after about 15 houses or so I noticed that there weren't very many people handing out candy. WHAT THE HELL?! People didn't even follow the cardinal rule of the pumpkin!! People had decorations and lights on, but no freaking candy! I mean, I know times are tough, but you can get butt loads of candy at the dollar store. My holiday-hating boyfriend said that "Halloween is a dying holiday" ... I seriously hope he's wrong. Can you imagine 20 years from now, talking to your grandkids about Halloween and them having NO idea what you're talking about?

This Halloween was by far the lamest Halloween ever.