Starving.

My whole life I've been  about 113lbs. I've never worn a medium, let alone a large ... and then I got pregnant. This is my story of being skinny, getting fat and trying to fight the urge to give into an eating disorder while I was trying to get back to the old me.

I gained 71 pounds during my pregnancy. I got stretch marks on my stomach, my butt, my boobs, my things .. even my legs. And I promise you, I ate like a fitness-crazed vegan. No soda, no fried food, nothing raw, nothing with sugar, nothing greasy, nothing artificial ... the works. I walked my dogs 3 times a day, and toward the end of my pregnancy I started walking 2 miles a day on top of that. In saying that, I hope you can understand how hard it was for me to accept getting fat. (And please don't say "well, you were pregnant" that doesn't mean squat to me.)

After the birth of my son, I figured since I was naturally skinny, the weight would just fall right off of me. It didn't. It's 8 months after the fact and I still have about 13 pounds left to lose. It's literally painful for me to look at myself in the mirror these days. I look at the little gut I still have and the stretch marks (that have thankfully almost completely faded away) and want to puke. I want to do anything to get this weight off. I hardly eat anymore. I hate saying this out loud, but it's the truth. I'll maybe eat a granola bar and drink some Orange Juice and that's it. It's awful. I'm ashamed of myself for letting it get to this, but I almost can't help it. Almost.

Thankfully I have the worlds most amazing boyfriend. He noticed that I hadn't been going through as many groceries as I used to and he asked me what was going on. I told him in the most normal way a person could speak, that, "I don't really eat anymore". True to form, he acted like it wasn't something that needed to be fixed, just something he was going to make happen. We went to the store and he picked me out a bunch of healthy snacks. "Start small" he said. "You need to get your metabolism back. Eat little snacks often throughout the day. Don't worry about the weight. I'll watch Troy so you can start going to the gym too" (RJ spends about 2 hours a day at the gym ... EVERY day.)

It's been going on for so long now, that I've learned to block out the feeling of being hungry. I forget to eat. I actually forget that I'm hungry. Sometimes I'll be eating and all of the sudden whatever I'm eating will make me nauseous. No matter what it is, or how much I like it. And I'll stop eating it because I cannot physically make myself eat it without throwing up. It's like my mind tells my body that if I keep going, I'll stay fat forever. I feel like a prisoner in my own body. Even with help, this is the hardest thing I've ever done.

I used to think that girls with eating disorders were stupid. That they had no excuse. I thought it was the most retarded disease I'd ever heard of ... until I became Anorexic. This is just the beginning for me. It's hard to look at food the same, but I'm trying. I'm really trying to beat this. I posted this because I feel like eating disorders aren't taken seriously enough and I want to change that.